But...Thy will and Not my will be done

Never done a blog before...how much do you share?  I asked my sister that exact questions yesterday as I began to just sob, is it ok for people to know I'm scared or feel weak? Well, that just wouldn't be realistic and totally out of character for me. As I walk this journey with God and my family I want to be totally authentic and transparent good or bad....I don't know any other way to be.

Yesterday I just couldn't stop crying...it just flowed and flowed. I guess that's part of breast cancer, the emotional roller coaster, especially at first. I prayed God would take this cup from me, but not my will but His will be done...I don't know how Jesus prayed that in the garden that evening He was about to be betrayed, especially knowing what He was about to suffer. It was hard for me to pray that and I'm not about to take on the sin of the world and then die a brutal, cruel death on a cross! But, if I can bring any glory to His name or bring any person to Christ as a result of this breast cancer then that is what I plan to do with His strength. I'd really like to do that in a different way, but again "Thy will not my will."

A second test confirmed the positive Her2nu status of my cancer. That is the hormone receptor of the cancer cells...that is why the doctors are saying "chemo" even if I have a mastectomy. That has been the hardest cup for me to swallow, I really don't WANT TO! I feel like a little kid when their mommy tells them they have to do something they don't want to do. I really just don't want to!!! No Lord, please... but "Thy will and not mine be done" I say it over and over. I trust Jesus with my life and healing completely. I may not understand His decisions for me this side of heaven but someday I will understand and I will say "I'm glad you chose that path for me Lord, you were right." His words tell us in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

The doctor's have told me repeatedly they treat young women very aggressively, I have been wavering about being treated so "aggressively". Then I think of my babies Brady and Brooke and I'm not sure I have a choice, I have to make decisions based on them having their mommy around for many years to come...this would be an easier decision if I didn't have to look into their precious faces each and everyday, but I do and they are worth it. I suppose that's exactly what Christ thought as He hung on the cross, "they are worth it" (even those who pierced Him).

Psalms 112:7
I will not fear evil tidings. My heart is steady, trusting in You.

P.S. I have my follow up from lumpectomy on Tuesday...I'll find out more then. Praying they got all the cancer and my "margins" are clear.