Monday, October 24, 2011

Ouch...

Cancer....I weep. I can't help it....round 4 hit me hard. I went into chemotherapy with an "let's get this over with quick kind of attitude"..like pulling off a band-aid (maybe it won't hurt too much if I do it quick, distract myself and don't think too much about it) I was able to do that for awhile, but God in His sovereignty knows best. He may not be able to accomplish in me what He has planned if I don't experience some hurt. How would I ever empathize with others or be able to do whatever God has planned for me if this was an easy road....What the enemy means for bad, God always turns into good and unfortunately pain is catalyst for change. Romans 5:3 "..we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." What if everything was always easy? God cares about our character, who we are becoming...His goal is to make us look more like Christ each day, how can He do that if everything is great all of the time?

I hurt right now...I've felt like I've been hit with a truck. My body said "done" today. My mind is ready to go, but my body is experiencing the effects of all the medicines, the emotions, the shock. Sometimes I still can't believe I am dealing with cancer...seriously, the diagnosis of cancer takes a long time to "set in." The emotional part of cancer is equally draining to the treatment part.

You know, I haven't slowed down since I've found out....I've been so gung-ho! I can do this, I can do this, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....and I have...but God is showing me that strength sometimes doesn't mean running around like crazy when you need to rest. I hate resting there is too much to do, but I'm learning it's important. I'm learning I really am totally weak and vulnerable without Christ. I'm so unbelievable dependent on Him. My body is really flesh indeed. I took a break from life today and was shown a lot by the Lord.  I took a break from my baby, from my kindergartener, from bottles & pacifiers, from financial concerns, from the jewelry business, from cleaning, from organizing....from trying to "have it all together"....really I had no choice, my body wouldn't let me do those things....and here it is. I'm human, I'm weak, I'm not going to do it all right all the time, not everybody is going to like me and I have to be ok with that, I have to let go. I think that's what God is telling me. I am constantly plagued by guilt feelings of ..."I didn't send a thank-you note, I didn't call this person or that person back, I forgot to say,...."happy birthday, or oh no I forgot their birthday all together!"....and stop and say I'm doing the best I can and as long as I'm pleasing God, that is what matters. But to say that and to it I'm finding are totally different. God is showing me right now in my weakness, I have to do it....my family can't afford for me to be worrying about anything but getting better. That's what I learned today.

So let me say right now, I am thankful if you have done something for me or my family we are so grateful but you may not get a thank-you card in the mail, :) I've been so afraid of "what others will think!", "how rude I am, or ungrateful or something", but truth is, I am only one person and I've put wayyyyy to much pressure on myself to do it right all the time, especially right now.

I have such an increased compassion for those who are ill, have cancer or any disease where they are suffering, mentally and physically.  I really believe until you go through it - you cannot fully understand. It's like having children, you don't really understand until you are a parent yourself. No amount of money, fame, fortune means anything if you don't have your health....I never gave it too much of a thought before now. Now, I'm just sooooo happy my prognosis is so good, I can look at my situation and see an end in sight...so many others don't even have that. I pray for those who are suffering too, especially those with a worse diagnosis or longer treatment time or whatever the case.

You'd think after this I might become a poster girl for breast cancer after this is all over....raising awareness...money, etc...and maybe God will call me to that, but I want to be a poster girl for mental illness too. It's true...when I went through postpartum depression and anxiety after having Brooke, the suffering was well...different from this (cancer) but maybe even worse....I couldn't function, I couldn't leave the house, I felt totally trapped. It was terrible. I didn't have a "time-line" as to when it would be over...there was no doctor telling me 4 rounds of chemo, 6 weeks of radiation, 1 year of herceptin and it will be over...no, no, there was a darkness there that only people who've experienced mental anguish will understand.  There are no marathons for depression, anxiety, bi-polar....not a lot of attention, but the suffering is very real.  I've gotten so much attention for having "cancer"...but nobody really even knew what I was going through after Brooke was born, except those very close to me....I needed help during that time and not a lot of people could relate....unfortunately a lot of people have related to me having cancer...don't get me wrong cancer stinks too...but there are people out there truly suffering with mental disorders and not a lot of compassion or understanding from the public like I think there should be. Some people still think you should just snap out of it or get some "fresh" air.

I wrote this blog a few days after round 4 of chemo....about 3 weeks ago now and never finished it or posted it until now...I'm doing better and finally recovering from the effects of that last round of chemo. I'm so incredibly happy I'm not facing another round of chemotherapy this upcoming Tuesday (as would have been the case if the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes)...again so much compassion for others who are or who have endured far worse then me. Went to my 1st radiation oncologist appointment this week...the doctor wants to start right away....ahhhhhh, I was really hoping for a longer break between chemo and radiation. I hate the thought of radiation just as I did chemotherapy, nothing about this is fun. I feel like the more the enemy comes against me, the more destined I must be to do great things for God!!! That is exciting for me to think about. I'm just going to keep clinging to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I'm going to be better then I was before....Jeramiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Round 3...still standing strong.

Ding ding ding, Round 3. God is so good, so, so, so good. I came down with a cold about 3 days ago and was so worried it was going to prolong this 3rd treatment. I prayed and God answered and here I am sitting in "the chair". Who is grateful for sitting in a chemotherapy chair? God has showed me how to be! I really am grateful that I'm well enough to have the chemo today.  It is such a blessing because it is very important I stay on schedule with these treatments, something to do with the cell cycle. The chemo works the best if I keep my scheduled treatments on-time.

The day before I have a treatment has a tendency to be emotional for me...also before this one (yesterday) I went to the "look good, feel better" program sponsored by the American Cancer Society....I didn't think I looked good or felt better afterwards honestly. I guess I just wasn't in the mood for it or something, maybe it was the "reminder" of what I'm going through, I don't know, I wasn't "feeling" it!!! It was nice to get some free make-up and I'm grateful for that. All the ladies there were going through chemotherapy too and were sportin' there baldness....I wore my wig and wish I hadn't because then I felt weird taking it off, so I didn't take it off, then I felt weird that I didn't take it off.....hard to explain. I just wanted to run away to whole time. Which is so unlike me, I didn't feel like myself at all. Normally I would have wanted to love on the ladies, Glorified God, talked more & been open....but yesterday I felt like hiding instead.

Been feeling really well for the most part....I know it's answered prayer, God loves me so much, I feel it to my very core. I've been doing my normal everyday activities and running my new jewelry business. Definitely couldn't be functioning without my hubby or parents and their help on a daily, hourly and minute by minute basis. God knows what we need and He provides, every time. Having minor stuff really, teary eyes, some tastelessness, dry mouth, skin,etc... I tire a little more easily (course I need to slow down and rest more I'm sure) Definitely experiencing "chemo brain", that part is very frustrating...I have trouble thinking and my thoughts are gone a lot quicker then normal....my poor husband! :) Sometimes even putting words together is hard....I really hope that gets better right away after treatment is over.

Our Church has provided us so much help, the people in our Church are truly are the hands and feet of Christ. Financial support, meals, prayers, phone calls, emails, you name it they are there for us! Brett and I are forever changed, we are so humbled.....We can't wait until it's our turn to "pay-it-forward". Our neighborhood even threw us a garage sale and everybody donated and gave all the proceeds to us! How awesome is that????  Brett is still looking for work, so please keep praying for him too. Brooke just had her 6 month check up and everything looked GREAT! More praises to the Lord!!!! Brady is doing wonderful at kindergarten...I can't believe how much he's learned in only 3 weeks!!!! It's so awesome, more praise!!! (Plus he lost his very 1st tooth a couple days ago!) ;(

My sister and her husband are coming for my last treatment in 3 weeks....I'm going to be so excited when that last treatment is over!!! I'm still praying about what's next....double mastectomy or radiation. I would love some advice from those of you who have been through it. Radiation seems like a better option for me as far as getting on with life quicker. With the mastectomy I wouldn't be able to lift my baby for weeks, maybe months, which means somebody would have to help me take care of her 24/7. That doesn't seem too manageable, but like everything else if it's what God wants me to do He will provide a way. I don't even need to worry about it. Philippians 4:6 "My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."

It's amazing how something like this changes you. I love God more now then ever, and I loved Him a lot before all this!!! Our relationship has been so intimate, watching Him care for me, every detail. The provision, the increased love in my heart and in the heart of my family. The way I worship, the way I pray, the way I sympathize with others, the way I feel about myself, the way little stuff is all gone! Truly God is breaking off chains in my life, even some I didn't know were there! This is all being used for His Glory....which was my heart from the beginning and He's accomplishing it. What a honor to be allowed to be used that way by God.

I was also recently honored to be asked by my sponsor in Premier Designs (my new jewelry business) to give my testimony to the ladies at a training we're having in October. I have no idea what I am going to say, but I'm asking God, He will tell me what He wants me to say and that's my desire, the be His servant, for Him to use my lips for His Glory. I can hardly wait, what an opportunity that is!

Right now I'm sitting next a 49 year old man Keith who has 2 tumors behind his eye, had radiation and lost sight in that eye and is going through 10 rounds and chemo and then probably more after his next Scan....wow, God is always reminding me how blessed I am, how good I have it. Have had a wonderful conversation with his wife Norma today, we'll have pray together before I go.....Well 15 minutes left. Going to get up and get out of here! :)

Psalm 119:50 "This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your word has given me life."
John 8:36 "If the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed!" 

Cancer ain't got nothing on me because of CHRIST!!! I love You Lord.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Round 2

Round 2...sitting in chair receiving my 2nd treatment. Life's been going so fast since my last...I hadn't really processed until last night when I found myself sobbing in bed about going into today that it was actually here again. The tears did have something to do with my baby starting kindergarten yesterday as well, that was very difficult. He did well though, he told me it seemed like he was there long time, that made me feel so sad...but I know God is answering my prayers for him and as unimaginable as it seems....God cares for Brady even more then me! What a comfort! "Cast all your cares upon Him; for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I started losing my hair about 4 days ago...saw some hairs on my pillow then after my shower quite a bit came out. Even though you know "it's coming" it is still a hard one to swallow.  Since that day, the loss is coming quicker and quicker it seems. I had my head shaved a few days ago, it kinda worried Brady at first but then once he saw me he was o.k. with it.  I was so happy to see my head was pretty nicely shaped! No bumps or lumps...but still a buzz cut for me...not my look :). I have some really cute wigs that have been lent to me and one that I really loved that I bought. Well wouldn't you know my very first day wearing it (yesterday) I was putting a pizza in the oven and immediately when I opened the oven door the bangs singed all up!!!!! I can not express my devastation enough! Brett & I couldn't afford this wig as it was, ($300!!!!) and now with one simple daily activity, it's ruined. Seriously, I was crying and very upset about it. But I have to keep things in perspective...It is just a wig after all right? God created me perfect in His sight, I am a result of His work! I love you Lord, thank you that you think I'm beautiful.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

So today I'm in my scarf, for the world to see, "yes, I'm going through chemo." I don't like the attention of it, I'd rather the "public" not know...I don't know why, here I am blogging to the world about it! LOL  It's my hope to be very open and transparent about my journey, what a waste if I can't glorify and testify as to what God is doing in my life right now through this illness and be of encouragement to others. I think it's that there is a "stigma" attached to it or something, and I don't want people to feel "sorry" for me. I'm beyond blessed, I am getting to see God work in my life like never before...who wouldn't want that????? My heart is so grateful, really, I can not express enough the tremendous love of God that has been filling me, surrounding me, comforting me...."For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!" 2 Corinthians 4:17


The last 3 weeks have been very good, very few side-effects, been trying to do my normal daily activities and keep busy. The doctor said the women who stay active tend to have less side-effects. A few days before I found out about my diagnosis a friend of mine told me about her jewelry business. I knew she did it, but I didn't know much about it.  It was very intriguing and I began to think and pray about it. A few days later when I got this diagnosis, I thought "well, that's not a an option for me now!" But God kept putting it on my heart and I argued a bit, "Lord how can I start a business now? That doesn't make sense....my plate is full!" But again, He kept impressing it on my heart. I begin to see how this business could keep my mind filled with something positive, something good to focus on AND help me to help our family pay for our health insurance that now we NEED TO KEEP! (if you've been following my blog from the beginning you know we were planning on cancelling our insurance effective June 1st....I got my diagnosis on June 1st...just one of the many miracles God had in store for us)

So I made the decision, having a peace from God that He wanted me to do this and He knows what's best for me and what I can handle if I am constantly relying on Him.  I am so glad I did. I am having so much fun doing this business and really enjoyed the 2 shows I've had so far! Thank you to everyone who has supported me, ordered and/or come to one of my parties or have agreed to host a party for me!  My deepest appreciation!!!

We'd also like to thank all of you who have given to our family in so many different ways out of the overflow of your hearts and in obedience to God's call. Particularly my parents...who....haven't left our side for a second and in every way possible poured out all they have in every possible way!  We love you both so much. My sister whose coming again today for my 2nd treatment and was also here for my 1st. Bless You. Bless You. Bless You. I could not do this without God and my amazing, amazing family. Also our Bayside Church family, your love, support, encouragement....we are beyond blessed by you. Our hearts have been changed by your generosity and selflessness.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:2-3






Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!








August 2, 2011

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13) and that is just what I did today!!!! I just got home from receiving my first treatment.....I DID IT!!!!! Thanks be to the faithfulness of my God. Thank you to my husband and sister who sat by my side the whole time and prayed with me. Boy oh boy we anointed those medicines with the blood of Jesus, yes we did! I'm home and I feel GREAT...yep, I feel great. We asked and we received. The word tells us in James 4:2..."You do not have because you do not ask God."

When I first walked in the room, smiling, then I sat in the chair. Whoa....this is it, this is the moment....all my thoughts the last few months, the anticipation....it had arrived and so had the tears. That is when I first met Diana, she looked over and heard me saying to the nurse, "This is my first treatment."  She smiled at me, I won't soon forget her beautiful smile and said "I was scared too my first time here, your going to be alright." The tear flow quickened...I feel so surrounded by love and I know God was in that room and filling me with everything I needed. My tears stopped and smile replaced them, thank you Jesus...only in You could that have happened. The three of us prayed and read the word of God aloud before the nurse proceeded...I was ready. Bring it Lord, I want miraculous signs and wonders, I want all you have for me. I want to live in your fullness. Your people are destryoed for lack of knowledge. Hosea 4:6 I want to receive everything you have for me. By your stripes we are healed... Isaiah 53:5
I sat next to another young face (Diana)...I think the only other in the entire building. Divine appointment? I think so! and guess what else???? This 27 year old beautiful lady (with hair still in tact after 8 treatments!) had a baby right around the same time as me!!!! Hello??? What are the odds of that....Jesus, Jesus, JESUS!!!! WOW! Amazing, totally amazing. She told us her story and was an inspiration to all 3 of us. She began talking to us about this book on Buddism that she is reading. She is searching....easy to spot, said she doesn't understand what she reading, this is her 2nd time reading this book.  As Christians, we love, we don't judge, we don't condemn...we don't shout out..."THAT'S A LIE OF SATAN, RUN, RUN!!!" or at least we SHOULDN'T! God called us to love them, ALL. Period. We stand in the truth and we speak when the Spirit prompts us, IN LOVE and in truth. It's God's job to move in hearts of those who are ready to receive the truth. It's no wonder we are not winning more over to the Love of Christ, WE HAVE TO BE DIFFERENT, WE HAVE TO LOVE not judge! It never says in the Bible it will be easy, but if we want to win the world over that's how we ARE going to do it! Amen! Mark 12:31 "Love your neighbor as yourself and there is no commandment greater then these." John 13:35 "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

We smiled and listened and lavished her in love and encouragment, my sister even couragely asked if we could pray for them, they were very receptive and we all sat in the "private" room we shared together and bowed our heads and prayed. It was so amazing, so beautiful...such a divine appointment. I'll continue to keep sweet Diana and her husband in my prayers. 


I prayed that as God breathed life into Adam, He would breath life into my good cells and they would live and not die. I cursed the cancer cells in Jesus Name....and I know without doubt that God heard my plea and answered my prayers. For God answers the prayers of the righteous....James 5:15 "God answers the prayers of the righteous." And am I righteous only by the blood of Christ and God see's me a Holy and just. Sin had left a crimson stain and He washed it white as snow.YES! I love it, I love it, I love it! I love Him, I love the POWER in His word. I love that it transformes lives and it HAS transformed ME! It's so awesome, there is NO other way to live! I am filled with such joy, such incredible hope. I am so hopeful you need to come touch me and get some of this! No I stand corrected...if you don't know the Savior, it's my prayer, it's my deepest desire....that would bow your head now, don't wait...and ask Him into your heart. There is not a more important decision in your life that you will ever make.

O.K. so get this....I got home and I jumped on the treadmill that my in-laws had brought over for us a few days ago. I AM NOT an exerciser, I don't do it. But I wanted to start while I was undertaking these treatments because I know it is good for me and can help combat fatigue. So my first day exercising is in fact the first day I received chemo treatment. The irony, I love how God operates...totally against the grain of the world. And I love that I'm living in it! I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me, I repeat this truth over and over in my head. Praising Him for my life, praising him that I WILL LIVE and NOT DIE. Psalm 118:17 "I will NOT die; instead, I will LIVE to tell what the Lord has done." I'm so excited to receive all that He has for me. I hope you'll send up praises to Him tonight for a wonderful day filled with His blessings. Thank you for walking in this journey with me and for every prayer you've lifted up for me and my family, may God fill your homes with his Love, Mercy, Grace, Protection, Peace and Joy. Celebrating being 25% done with Chemo! :)

P.S. In case you were wondering, the biopsy I had yesterday of the "suspicious lymph node" from my PET scan, NEGATIVE!!!! 

P.S.S. My sister and I got our hair cut yesterday...she insisted on doing it too...sisters, blessings from above. Look below for our "before" and "after" pictures. Thanks to the lovely ladies at Great Clips for making it a wonderful experience for us!








Friday, July 29, 2011

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy!

The journey continues....this morning Brett (my husband) calls me, "I'm on my way home...", "what, why?"...."They let me go". Hmmm, really? O.K., this is going to make our testimony even AWESOMER!!! (is that a word?) Honestly...it didn't phase me that much at this point, sorta had to laugh. Like Lord, you are sooooo in control, I love you and I can't wait to see where you're going to take us next. He promises to always be with us! His word is true and His love endures forever.
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Then about 1/2 hour later I get a call from my Oncologist. She tells me just got out of a meeting discussing my case with 10 other Oncologists at the center (Moffit). They agree on everything except the recent results of my PET Scan. One of my lymph nodes "lit" up...when something "lights" up on this particular test it indicates cancer. This lymph node could be cancerous or it could be still reacting to my surgery, the doctors were divided about it. Either way they need to know because it will alter my treatment plan. "How could this alter my treatment plan?", "Well if it is cancer then we will have to do 6 rounds of chemo instead of the planned 4."  Oh Lord, please let it be not cancer!

I told my doctor my sister was flying in today as she wants to be with me for my 1st treatment..."how soon can you get me in for the biopsy?" "I'll see what I can do."  Within a 1/2 hour they had called me to schedule my biopsy on Monday. So hopefully my scheduled 1st treatment will happen without delay.

I went shopping a couple of days of go to look at wigs...they look "wiggy", fake, not me at all. I was pretty discouraged about this, not to mention how expensive they are! A good friend of mine told me about a place in Tampa that has great wigs made out of human hair....expensive, but they look very good. Not sure when I'll be able to go, but I'd sure like to try one on. Do you believe insurance doesn't cover wigs for people going through chemo? It's considered a luxury item....whatever. I don't mind wearing scarf's and plan to most of the time, but I think there is going to be those times when I want to go out in public and not want everyone to know what I'm going through and I'd love to have a wig that I'm comfortable with for those days.

On a VERY positive note...I had my very 1st Jewelry show last night. I have started my own jewelry business through a Christian company called "Premier Designs". I have wanted to do this for a few months now, but when I got my diagnosis I thought..."now's not the time, plate full." Well the Lord kept placing it on my heart and I could not stop thinking about it. I felt like the Lord told me this would be something positive for me to do while I'm going through my treatment; as well as a way I can help my family financially during this time.  God was right, shock, surprise...he he. Of course He is....my show was so fun and very successful! I was so touched by the ladies who were able to come and support me in this new venture!!!! I'm even having another "show" tomorrow. This truly has helped me focus on something else besides all the yucky and scary stuff coming up. I love doing this, it was the right decision.  Especially now that Brett is out of work, I'm the sole income earner! :)

I'll tell ya, if somebody would have told me in January what our year would be like I would have never believed it!!!! But as a result, my faith has sky rocketed and my love for Jesus is OUT OF CONTROL!!!! I sure hope it's contagious!  Being able to see His hand working in big stuff and in the little bitty small stuff is something I would never have wanted to miss out on. The more difficult the situation the more we are refined, the more we will look like Christ. What joy awaits us on the other end, I can hardly wait!!!!

"Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Moffit Appointment

Wow...God has got me! We went to Moffit Cancer Center in Tampa today to get a 2nd opinion on my treatment. What a beautiful facility and great experience we had there. I loved the oncologist, she was warm, compassion and very smart! She was "hip" on all the very latest and updated treatment options available.  I felt like I was very prepared for this appointment....I have now learned a lot about my condition, the terminology, the treatment, the drugs used...so I felt like I could ask more intelligent questions and she was sure able to answer everything.  Just what I needed! She helped me understand the "why chemo?" in all of this better then I had before...so let me share "the why chemo" with you too.

If you've been following my blog you know my breast cancer is "Her2nu positive" and that has been the big deal with my particular situation. Only 20% of breast cancer's are Her2nu positive, 80% are negative! I didn't realize it was so rare! My tumor cells have too much "her2" protein on their surface. This protein makes the tumor able to grow and spread quickly and can make them less likely to respond to some cancer treatments and more likely to recur after treatment! If it reoccurs it comes back in the blood, bone, liver or lungs... so praise GOD for a drug called "herceptin". Herceptin is the antibody for her2nu and has only been used for about 5 years now and has "revolutionized" breast cancer treatment for the her2nu positive cancers. It's the "magic bullet". Before then a her2nu positive cancer prognosis was pretty glum. Scary.

Not only do I have her2nu positive cancer, but I just got some tests results back last week that I'd been waiting on. It was called the Oncotype Dx test. For this test they took the tumor I had removed and ran it through a series of tests to see how likely it was reoccur in my body. My test came back off the chart as "high probability" for recurrence! She told me every year that goes by my risk would go up and up, in 30 years my percentage for this kind of cancer reoccurring in my body was 69-72% if I didn't do herceptin!!!! WOW!  So do I need treatment???? The answer is a resounding YES I DO! Thank you Jesus for making that so clear to me....that is what I'd been praying for. I just wasn't putting 2 and 2 together, but now it's all beginning to make sense.

The unfortunate news is that herceptin has only been tested with chemotherapy....trials are currently underway for it's use alone.  Five years from now, women may not need the chemotherapy with it's use, but the research is just not there yet. However, 5 years ago if I would have got this diagnosis, herceptin would have still be in clinical trials! So I have to look at the positive and thank God for the research and work that produced herceptin in time for me and all the women who are facing her2nu positive breast cancer. My doctor said the research for breast cancer is moving very fast; they have found that their are many different kinds of breast cancer and each type requires different treatment...no longer can or should they treat breast cancer all the same.

Now here's the good news about my "type". I am also estrogen and progesterone receptor positive. Which means my cancer is hormone driven. So the estrogen and progesterone in my body causes my cancer to grow. I guess this is good news in my case because they can also treat that part of my cancer with a drug called Tamoxifen which is an anti-estrogen therapy and thus taking away what my cancer needs to grow. The unfortunate part of taking that drug is I could go into early menopause...thank you Jesus for my new baby Brooke! I will take that drug for 5 years...yuck, but hey it's saving my life! My cancer is considered a "triple" positive cancer.

In other GREAT news....and this made my day by far....she told me she feels comfortable with giving me only 4 rounds of chemo as oppossed to the standard 6!!!! YES! YES! YES! I was so happy to hear that! I will get 1 treatment every 3 weeks, so I will be done with chemo in 3 months! Now the herceptin will continue for a full year, I get 14 treatments of herceptin. But my hair will start growing back after the chemo part is over! Yeah...and I've heard my hair will grow in thicker when it comes back...YES LORD!

So when will this all begin. Well with Moffit it takes about 2 weeks before they can get me scheduled to get my "port" put in. 2 weeks? and then a week after the port they will begin treatment. 3 weeks?  I'm ready to start now and get this over with....now that I know what I have to do.  Enter Jesus....got a call this morning Moffit had a cancellation and I will get my port on Friday!!! 2 days instead of 2 weeks.....JESUS. Every step, every step, He hasn't missed a beat! Not one! AWESOME IS OUR GOD!!!!! Can I just share another beautiful thing the Lord did for me?

Most of you know (if you've been reading my blog) how financially hard this has been on us. So some of my "wants" are pretty far down the list! I got some "maternity" pictures taken before Brooke was born and I really wanted to go back to Krystle (the lady who took our pictures) and get some pictures of Brooke and "new" completed family.  I didn't even think to pray about this because again it was so far down our list. But God knew it was the desire of my heart. So low and behold...what does the Lord do? Krystle contacts me out of the blue (she's on maternity leave herself none the less!) and says "God put you on my heart this morning and I would like to do a set of pictures for you as a gift."  I had no words, just tears. God loves us so much, he cares about every thought, every desire, every detail of our lives more then I think we can possible understand this side of heaven! What good father wouldn't give their children good gifts? We had them taken on Sunday, thank you so very much Krystle Sommers!

Tomorrow morning I go up to Moffit to get my port put in as I mentioned, Tuesday I go back up there for a "Mugga scan" of my heart and "Chemo teaching".  Then Tuesday, August 2nd I go for my 1st treatment. My stomach gets butterflies just thinking about it....I'm scared, I am....I don't know how I would do this without my Lord and savior Jesus Christ. He truly is my rock, my fortress, my healer. My sister is coming into town to be with me for my birthday (July 30th) and my 1st treatment. There is something very special about sisters, a bond that is unexplainable. Thank you Jesus, for all you have done, are doing and plan to do to see me through this triumphantly!

Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Do the Chemo???

O.K. so here's the update. I've been praying for God to lead me to a peace regarding my treatment. The medical doctors have a standard 12 month treatment plan for Her2nu positive breast cancer which includes chemo and this new drug "Herceptin". Well, I just didn't like it, I feel like I want a doctor to treat me more "individualized" recognizing my history with anxiety and depression as well as having a newborn in the home and a 5 year old entering the public school system in August.

I began doing a tremendous amount of research on healing cancer through diet/exercise and supplements. This is becoming more and more acceptable and recognized as a very valid and effective treatment for not only cancer but many illnesses. I believe if we followed God's original plan for us as far as what we are supposed to eat, cancer would pretty much be non-existent in our society. I also believe our bodies can heal themselves given proper nutrition. Although the "broccoli" companies don't have the research nor the funding to prove this like the "drug" companies do, so it's not widely accepted by Western Medical Doctors. Well, I had to investigate this for myself.

My question has always been, will this work with Her2nu positive cancer. A genetic mutation. That seems to be the "Big Deal" for my particular cancer. It is considered the most aggressive form and "very serious"....that was until a drug called "Herceptin" came into the picture about 7 years ago. Apparently Herceptin has revolutionized her2nu positive breast cancer and is considered the "antidote" or "magic bullet". Problem is...it's only been tested with chemotherapy, they're still in clinical trials for it's use alone.

After a lot or prayer, research and recommendations I went to see a well-known Doctor by the name of Dr. Don Colbert who is an MD but has moved into holistic care for all types of illnesses and diseases including cancer. He was recommended to me by my pastor's wife who went to him for her cancer. She opted this route instead of doing the recommended chemotherapy and is now doing wonderful and is completely cancer free. Dr. Colbert has all kinds of testimonies just like this and he is a Christian. He's written over 56 books and I didn't even know this until I arrived at his office, but I had a couple of his books at home! Wow...cool. I even found out he's treated Joyce Meyer for over 11 years. (If you don't know who that is...she is a very well known in the Christian community and has a huge ministry). So, my point is he's got lots of accolades. I was so incredibility hopeful and grateful to be able to see this doctor. Insurance doesn't cover him and he is very expensive to see. I prayed about it a lot and our whole family felt it was definitely worth while...especially if I could avoid chemotherapy! Thanks to my parents, our Church and it's generous members and staff who helped us make this appointment happen. Jesus uses people...and I'm grateful for those who have been and are being so obedient to His call to help us! Thank you Mom and Dad and Bayside Community Church!  That just had to be said!!!

O.K....now for my appointment. "Wow" he says. I don't think I've ever seen somebody with so much stress happening all at once. (meaning getting diagnosed with breast cancer only months after having a baby and suffering severe post-pardom depression and anxiety all the while your  husband was out of work until about a month ago). Well, I said...."yes, but God has revealed himself to me in such a personal and profound way, that had this not have happened, I would not have got to watch him work the way he has, It's BEEN AWESOME!" I'm so serious...I will probably end up writing a book about every way God has moved on my behalf during this time, I couldn't begin to write it all here, but I will add bits and pieces as I can and feel God calls me too. I've learned sometimes God does stuff that is just between me and Him.

I fully went to this appointment expecting God to give me a peace one way or the other. I have to tell you I honestly thought this doctor would tell me he could help me w/o chemo....like he did my pastor's wife and another member of our church who went to him with cancer and was healed w/o chemo too. He looks through me tests....reviews everything.....everything.  Looks me in the eye and says, "Do the chemo."
 "Whhhhhat?"...I'm thinking that's not what I was expecting him to say!!!! He is awesome at treating cancer w/o chemo...why not me?  He further explains," if you had stage 4 cancer, I'd tell you NOT to do it...you'd have a better chance with me, but you are stage 1 and what "western medicine" has to offer you is a 95% cure rate. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you with 2 young children....you do the chemo. Her2nu, is VERY serious, it's very aggressive. It's a miracle your tumor didn't grow not only for a whole year, but during a pregnancy!"  "Yes, I know, God protected me during this time.", "He sure did!" he replied.  I could help you but it would take more energy then you have and require more of you then you can give. Basically you'd have to eat raw vegetables the rest of your life, not many people can do this and stick with it". Your life would depend on it and with 2 young kids that kind of lifestyle would be so incredibly difficult.  You have young kids, your gonna want to have a "popsicle" every now and then, maybe a pizza once in a while. The life style you'd have to live is just not "do-able" for someone like you.....now again if you were stage 4 it'd be different because "western medicine" can't offer you a lot of hope, but you are stage 1, totally curable...you do it, this is very serious having her2nu." "but, but, but you treated my pastor's wife and this other friend of ours and they are doing great." "They didn't have Her2nu positive cancer either, that is very serious, very aggressive, you do the chemo!"

Whoa....wow, ok, not what I was expecting to hear or of course wanting to hear. But God was faithful, I wanted an answer and I got one. God is so good, He is so good. I cried...yes, we actually prayed with one of his nurses in his office, IT WAS SO AWESOME!!! The Holy Spirit was in that room and I knew what I had to do and I knew and I know that God is going to see me through was I am about to embark on. And as if that wasn't enough God wanted to confirm it even more for me. The next morning after my appointment I get a call from my Oncologist, (not his nurse or staff), from the actual doctor. (note, I had NOT called him after my appointment 3 weeks ago, his staff had called me to re-schedule, but I had not returned their phone calls because I wanted to go to this other doctor and wasn't sure what I was going to do).  I'm like, Lord, I hear ya !!!!! He wanted to know what was going on with me and was concerned. I told him about the doctor I had just saw and he was totally understanding and felt I did the right thing.

He also said after I left his office he was thinking about me and my cancer and reviewing my labs and he just feels it's so rare for me to have this so young that he thought it would be a good idea to have a PET scan. So he gave me the number to the lady at his office who schedules these. Before I could call her, she calls me! She says Dr. Whorf wants you to have a PET scan and I just got a cancellation for Monday! Wow, Lord you sure have my back!

I don't want to do it, I don't. But I look at my boy, my sweet Brady James and then I look into my daughter's eyes and hold her close, smell her, watch her smile at me....and tears roll down my eyes because there is nothing I wouldn't do for them and this is for them. I still don't know that I go through it if it wasn't for them, honestly....but they change everything, absolutely everything. Brady told me the other night at dinner that when he see's me he "just wants to hug and kiss me" and then he gave me a big hug and kissed me repetitively on my hand. Seriously, seriously....I about lost it right there at Red Lobster.

So, They want to proceed with chemotherapy....yesterday! I'm going to Moffit on Tuesday to get a second "western medicine" opinion, but I'm prepared for what they will say, I just want the best in the cancer business to concur with the doctor I'm seeing here. I tentatively plan to start chemo Wednesday.  I plan to do an integrative approach as much as possible to help myself recover quicker from the effects of chemotherapy. Dr. Colbert did recommend many supplements I plan to take during my treatment.

Please pray for me, for strength to walk in that door, strength to sit down in that chair and not run away. I pray for God's peace that surpasses all understanding to fall on me as I read my Bible and put my trust in Jesus. Strength to smile and not cry...to remember why I am doing this. "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning." a verse from one of my favorite songs at Church. I say yes to that! There will be joy on the other end of this...my God has promised me that!

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Where's the anesthesiologist???

Day 17:  After getting out of the shower, I notice I was bleeding from the edge of my incision, no big deal I thought and slapped a band-aid on it. I did think it was a little weird how I was still in a lot of pain from a surgery that took place almost 2 weeks ago, but I just thought well I've had 2 surgery's in 6 days, so I'm sure that's why it's taking so long to recover. That night I noticed blood on my shirt and I thought how is that possible I have a band-aid on! I took the band-aid off and it was completely soaked and I was still bleeding! Hmmmmm...that doesn't seem right, but it was late and everybody was already in bed at this time so I stuffed some gauze in my sports bra and went to bed.

Day 18: I woke up and quickly checked my gauze, am I still bleeding? Surely not.....oh YES, soaked through the gauze. Wonderful...now I know something's wrong and it's Saturday, I really don't want to go spend the day at the Emergency Room. I put a call into the "on-call" doctor. A medical student (Jamie) calls me back and says to put a little pressure on it (like I didn't think of that) and she'll try and get in touch with a doctor (mine is out of the country). After an hour and half she calls me back and says my doctor's brother (whose also in the practice) wants to see me. The office is closed, but to come up and he'll unlock the office and take a look, that way I don't have to go to the emergency room. I was very grateful for this! O.K....back up to Tampa. (a good hour's drive from where we live)

We met the doctor outside, he's in his gym pants and running shorts. Jamie (the medical student) arrives as well. They immediately take us back into a room to "take a look". As this point I have another spot that has started bleeding. I'm thinking a couple stitches and we'll be done. Wrong. "We're going have to open you up." "WHAT??...what about an anesthesiologist?" "We'll will numb it with a local"..."Excuse me?...can't you give me something, gas, anything, something to relax me?" "No, sorry, but it's going to be o.k".... "For WHO is it going to be OK?" I start to tense and look worried, I know because Brett immediately comes over to hold my hand. They start to open all kinds of tools and put them on the surgical plate, I'm shaking. Jamie comes over and I say "You're doing this?", "Yup"....I'm thinking....geese I kinda really want the doctor to do it, but I guess it's ok at least he's here overseeing everything.

Let me just say...there's a reason they put you to sleep for this kind of thing! She opens me up and apparently there's a lot of blood, "suction", AHHHHH! The suction was the worse, I'm numb but I still feel heavy pressure, pulling, oh no pain!!!! I scream "I CAN FEEL THAT!!!"  "Sorry, we'll give you some more numbing medicine." "OH, whatever, this is terrible, is it over yet?????" "Are you done yet?" Finally, what seemed like forever, she's done. My palms are totally sweating and I'm shaking like a leaf. Brett is enthralled...watching the whole thing. I said "Brett stop watching!", he says "it's so gross, but it's like a car wreck, I just can't stop watching!"...."are you kidding me, honey!"

She says, "you know while we are in here we could clear those margins so you don't have to do this again..." I think about it, I know I'm laying there open and it does seem silly not to do it while they are there. "How long would it take?"..."about 5 minutes". "Are you sure you know where to cut and everything?"...yeah, we'll pull it up on the computer.  I mumble "ok"...but am constantly having doubts. At least I don't feel anything right now, the pulling and pressure is stopped.  Doctor scrubs in...they began, I'm ok for about a minute, then all the sudden, I feel the blade as clear as day, I scream (it's automatic, I can't even help it!) "I FEEL THAT!!!!!!", "sorry, we'll give you some more numbing....."oh, ok, great, that's great!!!!" (please note my sarcasm there!).  Brett finally tunes into the fact I need some distraction and not his constant, "Wow, that's so gross"...type comments and begins showing me pictures on his phone of our kids. That actually did help and distract me some.

I begin to think of Jesus. I feel some pain and am screaming for more numbing medicine. I think to myself about the imaginable, indescribable pain Jesus felt even before He was nailed to a cross!!! He didn't have a "relaxant" or ANY kind of pain medicine, as a matter of fact they offered him some vinegar as he hung on the cross, (in those days it was used to help ease pain) and he refused it. He came to endure the full suffering of our sin, my sin. The lashes with a whip that had particles of sharp metal attached and ripped the flesh apart as it was pulled out (caused death in many who endured just this alone), the crown of thorns, the ridicule, humiliation. I think to myself, I can do this. I repeat the name of Jesus in my head over and over. Job 3:10 "Let the weak say I am strong."

Finally they are done and the medical student Jaime is stitching me up. The doctor is leaning up against the cabinets and Brett says to him, "So...how do you like your phone system?" (Some of you may not know Brett just started a new job selling phone systems.) I smile and think to myself..."I love this man!" They began a conversation. I look over a the medical student who was stitching me up. With tears in my eyes I say to her quietly, "I really don't want to go through chemo." She looks up at me and says "I know...I don't blame you." I begin to ask her advice. It's kinda of a personal moment, I know she can tell I'm asking her as a friend who happens to know a lot about this kind of stuff. Brett and the doctor are in there own world talking technology and phones and it feels like me and this beautiful medical student are all alone. I can tell she wants to make it better for me. Bless her heart. We had a really nice conversation, I'm glad I had that time with her.


This whole experience was soooo surreal. Did I really just do that? AWAKE? Lord, you sure think I'm stronger then I think I am. Sure enough, I did pretty darn good. I didn't cry, which is totally amazing for me and I only screamed twice! :) I know I jumped a lot, but I tried hard to hold still.  I give myself an A! Brett asks me if I want some ice-cream? I laugh...not really....I just want to go home. Recovery starts all over, day one. I'll see an oncologist once all my tests are back and he/she can look at everything to determine what's next for me. In the meantime, I'm researching, calling and emailing as many as I can to arm myself with as much information and knowledge as possible.

Asking for prayer that God will guide my path, each and every step just as He has already done so far. I pray for healing and wisdom regarding the need for chemotherapy. I know what the medical doctors say, but what I'm interested in is what the Lord says concerning me, this cancer and my healing.

Isaiah 53:5 "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
Jeremiah 32:27  "Is there anything too hard for me?"

Ahhhhhhhhh, the Word of God, so refreshing! I feel like I've just had a pepsi, but even better! LOL
Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I will trust and not be afraid...

Day 14: Had follow up appointment with surgeon today. Waited 2 1/2 hours a little room with Brett, Brooke and my parents for him to come in...that was a long wait. Luckily Brady was able to go to a friend's house. It was a long conversation so I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. Most of you may not know I found this lump last year and had surgery scheduled to have it removed. Two weeks before surgery I found out I was pregnant, so obviously we cancelled the surgery. But doctors weren't concerned about it because I've had 2 benign fiber adnomas in the past and this presented as the same thing, so they said they'd follow up with me after I had my baby.

They did follow up with me only weeks after Brooke was born, however I was going through depression/anxiety from having Brooke and didn't feel I wanted to do anything about it yet, my plate was full, plus I told her I was breastfeeding...and after all nobody (including me) was all that concerned about it. About a month later they called again (by mistake), the lady on the phone didn't get the message I was breastfeeding and to call back in a year and as it turned out I wasn't breastfeeding anymore....so I couldn't use that excuse when she asked me. She urged me to at least have another ultrasound and see if it had changed any during my pregnancy. Well since my deductible was met from having Brooke I thought now would be the best time to do it financially....so I agreed.

The ultrasound came back....surgeon says, "well, it hasn't grown any and that's a great sign!, I still think it's a benign fiber adnoma, but I suggest doing a needle biopsy or just removing it to be sure." Yeah, yeah, yeah they have to say that to "cover themselves" and be extra cautious. I debated about whether or not to do it, but again my deductible had been met and I might as well get rid of it now and not have to think about it anymore. Plus my therapist (who'd I'd been seeing for my anxiety) when I asked her advice about getting it removed, told me about her sister who died of breast cancer having got a fourth lump after having 3 removed (all benign) and didn't do anything about the 4th one, thinking "here we go again"...it's another begin cyst, but this time it wasn't and she waited to long. I thought that could be a sign from God to do it as well. As we all know now it WAS!

God also showed me a few days ago that if I had not become pregnant the very month I did, I would have had the surgery and found the cancer and immediately proceeded with their recommended treatment and likely would have been unable to have anymore children! CAN WE SAY MIRACLE BABY!!!! Oh just wait...it gets better...remember how I say the doctor said it hadn't grown? Well according to both my surgeons they had NO explanation as to why my cancer did not grow during my pregnancy! The type I have is aggressive in nature w/o being pregnant, but pregnancy typically accelerates the grow of cancer as well! JESUS!!! I asked how this can be numerous times and my surgeon said, well "it's amazing, somebody upstairs is watching out for you". Little did he know my faith!

So back to yesterday, I kept feeling like I need assurance that this was really cancer, could there be a mistake? No, no mistake...the extra tissue they took to try and get my margins clear also showed cancer. Darn, that stinks. They want there to be 1.0cm "margin's" cancer free, I have one area that is still only .5cm...so they need to go back in and take some more tissue from that area to make it 1.0cm, but before we do that I need a couple more test results and make some decisions.

I had some blood taken a little over a week ago now that's being analyzed for my genetic predisposition to breast cancer. If that comes back positive then I'm for sure looking at a double mastectomy. They are also re-analyzing my original tumor to be sure that it is "Invasive carcinoma, Her2nu Positive" cancer, 2 tests have already confirmed this, but this 3rd one is really thorough, they want to be sure and I want them to be sure as well! This also looks at whether I'm high risk for re-occurrence. If it shows I'm at low risk then something is wrong...then everything needs to be retested because as I understand it, I can't be Her2nu positive and be at low risk....or something. So now what? I'll get those 2 tests back in about a week and I'll decide whether I do another lumpectomy with radiation or double mastectomy. Either way I won't do those surgeries until after chemotherapy...

Chemotherapy is apparently necessary because of the positive hormonal status (Her2nu) of my cancer. There is a risk if I don't do chemo (I don't know how great yet, need to talk to an oncologist) that it could come back someday in my liver, lungs, bone or blood. I need to find an Oncologist close to me...my surgeon is in Tampa, so he doesn't know of one close...I really need some recommendations. Apparently the course of chemo is a 12 month process, 6 months of one type and then 6 months of another....I guess during the second part my hair will start to grow back as the drug they use is different. Then surgery and reconstruction.... all in all I'm looking at about 2 years before all is said and done.

My doctor said to prepare myself emotionally (you think?). He told me studies show the emotional journey of having breast cancer is equivalent to losing a child or spouse, it changes you. I think hearing that hit us all very hard. But I have GOD, I am a believer in Jesus Christ and with Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! And that changes everything for those in Christ. I don't have to agree with the "doomsday" emotional diagnosis that was given to me, I have authority in Christ Jesus to be more then an over-comer! With God I cannot only have healing but Joy in the process! Can I get an AMEN? :)

We cannot express all our gratitude for all the prayers, phone calls, cards and emails we've received. God moves on each prayer uttered and heaven and earth change because of our prayers, so thank you! I'm so glad I didn't wait for crisis to hit before I came to know the Lord Jesus Christ personally, He is my salvation and refuge, He is my Strong Tower, my ever present help in times of need.

Stay tuned for upcoming test results, oncologist appointments and more miraculous works of our Mighty God.... "Surely God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid." Isaiah 12:2

Saturday, June 11, 2011

But...Thy will and Not my will be done

Never done a blog before...how much do you share?  I asked my sister that exact questions yesterday as I began to just sob, is it ok for people to know I'm scared or feel weak? Well, that just wouldn't be realistic and totally out of character for me. As I walk this journey with God and my family I want to be totally authentic and transparent good or bad....I don't know any other way to be.

Yesterday I just couldn't stop crying...it just flowed and flowed. I guess that's part of breast cancer, the emotional roller coaster, especially at first. I prayed God would take this cup from me, but not my will but His will be done...I don't know how Jesus prayed that in the garden that evening He was about to be betrayed, especially knowing what He was about to suffer. It was hard for me to pray that and I'm not about to take on the sin of the world and then die a brutal, cruel death on a cross! But, if I can bring any glory to His name or bring any person to Christ as a result of this breast cancer then that is what I plan to do with His strength. I'd really like to do that in a different way, but again "Thy will not my will."

A second test confirmed the positive Her2nu status of my cancer. That is the hormone receptor of the cancer cells...that is why the doctors are saying "chemo" even if I have a mastectomy. That has been the hardest cup for me to swallow, I really don't WANT TO! I feel like a little kid when their mommy tells them they have to do something they don't want to do. I really just don't want to!!! No Lord, please... but "Thy will and not mine be done" I say it over and over. I trust Jesus with my life and healing completely. I may not understand His decisions for me this side of heaven but someday I will understand and I will say "I'm glad you chose that path for me Lord, you were right." His words tell us in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

The doctor's have told me repeatedly they treat young women very aggressively, I have been wavering about being treated so "aggressively". Then I think of my babies Brady and Brooke and I'm not sure I have a choice, I have to make decisions based on them having their mommy around for many years to come...this would be an easier decision if I didn't have to look into their precious faces each and everyday, but I do and they are worth it. I suppose that's exactly what Christ thought as He hung on the cross, "they are worth it" (even those who pierced Him).

Psalms 112:7
I will not fear evil tidings. My heart is steady, trusting in You.

P.S. I have my follow up from lumpectomy on Tuesday...I'll find out more then. Praying they got all the cancer and my "margins" are clear.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

7 Days and 3 Miracles

Day One, Wednesday:  I had surgery Tuesday to remove what doctor's believed to be a benign fiber adoma from my left breast. Even after surgery my doctor said it looked liked what they suspected fiber adoma, but of course they always send it off to pathology, but he "wasn't worried about it".  The next day I got the phone call that nobody ever wants to get..."I don't have good news for you.", "what do you mean?", "I don't understand."..."you need to come into our office tomorrow to discuss your options with the doctor.", "wait....what? what options?" Total shock. Tears, my parents were standing right next to me when the phone call came, hugs and tears as Brett walks in the door and can tell something "big" just happened. The journey begins...

Since the birth of my baby girl "Brooke" 12 weeks ago, I have been suffering with severe post-pardom depression and anxiety. I've even been sleeping on an air-mattress in a separate room in order to be able sleep.You'd think after getting this diagnosis, it'd be one more really restless night...after all I'm already having restless nights! "NO, NO way Satan...I'm not sleeping one more night in a separate bed from my husband and baby, life is too short and I will not be chased from my bed anymore!" I moved myself back into our bedroom that night and said "God, I am sleeping in this bed with my husband and my baby and I'm trusting you for sleep".... and I slept....great!!!  Miracle #1, Praise Jesus!!!!! For He is faithful!!!!

Day Two, Thursday:  My dad and husband went with me to my appointment. The doctor walks in the room very somber and says "I'm shocked", "I'm just shocked". Yaaaaah, us too! Medical terms are flying and my mind is trying to keep up. I need to decide between lumpectomy with radiation or mastectomy. Ok, then he starts talking about "her 2 nu" positive. What's that? "Well it what we used to pray would always be negative", it the hormonal status of the cancer, good news is it is now treatable, bad news is it requires chemotherapy. "WHAT?" are you sure?  Tears...trying to listen and hold it together. We set up an MRI for Monday and surgery for lumpectomy/possible mastectomy for Friday and mapping/possible removal of my lymph nodes. I go home and began to pray and make phone calls...is this what I should be doing? Is this the doctor I should go with? Question after question fills my mind. I talk with my Bible Study Teaching Leader and she gives me the phone number of 2 ladies from her neighborhood who just went through this and loved their surgeon.

Day Three, Friday: First thing in the morning, I call one of the ladies to ask about the surgeon she went to. She raves about this surgeon Dr. Cox, one of the few in the country that can perform a skin saving/nipple saving mastectomy and he is a Christian! Wow, awesome! Bad news is he is very hard to get into, but worth the wait...well I'm not sure how long I can wait, but we'll call and see what God does.I call the number and Trudy his secretary answers, I'm immediately filled with tears and explain my new diagnosis. She says to me (without knowing my faith), God has you in his hands, let me see what I can do. Puts me on hold....comes back and says "how soon can you get here?". JESUS!!!!! Miracle #2. Saw Doctor, Got MRI and was scheduled for surgery on Monday by the time I left that night!

P.S. Still sleeping great, even getting up with my baby in the night and able to fall back asleep (something that was not possible for me up until now!)

Day 6, Monday:  Had to go for some extra pictures before surgery....decided to do lumpectomy with lymph node "mapping" and have cells rechecked to make sure chemo will be absolutely necessary. If so, then I have made the decision to have a mastectomy with reconstructive surgery.  If have to go through chemotherapy I never want the risk of having to do it again 5, 10, 20 years down the road. As I'm waking up from the anesthesia I hear the doctor say "your lymph nodes were negative!" Miracle #3, GOD IS SOOO GOOD, His mercy endures forever!

"For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11