Where's the anesthesiologist???

Day 17:  After getting out of the shower, I notice I was bleeding from the edge of my incision, no big deal I thought and slapped a band-aid on it. I did think it was a little weird how I was still in a lot of pain from a surgery that took place almost 2 weeks ago, but I just thought well I've had 2 surgery's in 6 days, so I'm sure that's why it's taking so long to recover. That night I noticed blood on my shirt and I thought how is that possible I have a band-aid on! I took the band-aid off and it was completely soaked and I was still bleeding! Hmmmmm...that doesn't seem right, but it was late and everybody was already in bed at this time so I stuffed some gauze in my sports bra and went to bed.

Day 18: I woke up and quickly checked my gauze, am I still bleeding? Surely not.....oh YES, soaked through the gauze. Wonderful...now I know something's wrong and it's Saturday, I really don't want to go spend the day at the Emergency Room. I put a call into the "on-call" doctor. A medical student (Jamie) calls me back and says to put a little pressure on it (like I didn't think of that) and she'll try and get in touch with a doctor (mine is out of the country). After an hour and half she calls me back and says my doctor's brother (whose also in the practice) wants to see me. The office is closed, but to come up and he'll unlock the office and take a look, that way I don't have to go to the emergency room. I was very grateful for this! O.K....back up to Tampa. (a good hour's drive from where we live)

We met the doctor outside, he's in his gym pants and running shorts. Jamie (the medical student) arrives as well. They immediately take us back into a room to "take a look". As this point I have another spot that has started bleeding. I'm thinking a couple stitches and we'll be done. Wrong. "We're going have to open you up." "WHAT??...what about an anesthesiologist?" "We'll will numb it with a local"..."Excuse me?...can't you give me something, gas, anything, something to relax me?" "No, sorry, but it's going to be o.k".... "For WHO is it going to be OK?" I start to tense and look worried, I know because Brett immediately comes over to hold my hand. They start to open all kinds of tools and put them on the surgical plate, I'm shaking. Jamie comes over and I say "You're doing this?", "Yup"....I'm thinking....geese I kinda really want the doctor to do it, but I guess it's ok at least he's here overseeing everything.

Let me just say...there's a reason they put you to sleep for this kind of thing! She opens me up and apparently there's a lot of blood, "suction", AHHHHH! The suction was the worse, I'm numb but I still feel heavy pressure, pulling, oh no pain!!!! I scream "I CAN FEEL THAT!!!"  "Sorry, we'll give you some more numbing medicine." "OH, whatever, this is terrible, is it over yet?????" "Are you done yet?" Finally, what seemed like forever, she's done. My palms are totally sweating and I'm shaking like a leaf. Brett is enthralled...watching the whole thing. I said "Brett stop watching!", he says "it's so gross, but it's like a car wreck, I just can't stop watching!"...."are you kidding me, honey!"

She says, "you know while we are in here we could clear those margins so you don't have to do this again..." I think about it, I know I'm laying there open and it does seem silly not to do it while they are there. "How long would it take?"..."about 5 minutes". "Are you sure you know where to cut and everything?"...yeah, we'll pull it up on the computer.  I mumble "ok"...but am constantly having doubts. At least I don't feel anything right now, the pulling and pressure is stopped.  Doctor scrubs in...they began, I'm ok for about a minute, then all the sudden, I feel the blade as clear as day, I scream (it's automatic, I can't even help it!) "I FEEL THAT!!!!!!", "sorry, we'll give you some more numbing....."oh, ok, great, that's great!!!!" (please note my sarcasm there!).  Brett finally tunes into the fact I need some distraction and not his constant, "Wow, that's so gross"...type comments and begins showing me pictures on his phone of our kids. That actually did help and distract me some.

I begin to think of Jesus. I feel some pain and am screaming for more numbing medicine. I think to myself about the imaginable, indescribable pain Jesus felt even before He was nailed to a cross!!! He didn't have a "relaxant" or ANY kind of pain medicine, as a matter of fact they offered him some vinegar as he hung on the cross, (in those days it was used to help ease pain) and he refused it. He came to endure the full suffering of our sin, my sin. The lashes with a whip that had particles of sharp metal attached and ripped the flesh apart as it was pulled out (caused death in many who endured just this alone), the crown of thorns, the ridicule, humiliation. I think to myself, I can do this. I repeat the name of Jesus in my head over and over. Job 3:10 "Let the weak say I am strong."

Finally they are done and the medical student Jaime is stitching me up. The doctor is leaning up against the cabinets and Brett says to him, "So...how do you like your phone system?" (Some of you may not know Brett just started a new job selling phone systems.) I smile and think to myself..."I love this man!" They began a conversation. I look over a the medical student who was stitching me up. With tears in my eyes I say to her quietly, "I really don't want to go through chemo." She looks up at me and says "I know...I don't blame you." I begin to ask her advice. It's kinda of a personal moment, I know she can tell I'm asking her as a friend who happens to know a lot about this kind of stuff. Brett and the doctor are in there own world talking technology and phones and it feels like me and this beautiful medical student are all alone. I can tell she wants to make it better for me. Bless her heart. We had a really nice conversation, I'm glad I had that time with her.


This whole experience was soooo surreal. Did I really just do that? AWAKE? Lord, you sure think I'm stronger then I think I am. Sure enough, I did pretty darn good. I didn't cry, which is totally amazing for me and I only screamed twice! :) I know I jumped a lot, but I tried hard to hold still.  I give myself an A! Brett asks me if I want some ice-cream? I laugh...not really....I just want to go home. Recovery starts all over, day one. I'll see an oncologist once all my tests are back and he/she can look at everything to determine what's next for me. In the meantime, I'm researching, calling and emailing as many as I can to arm myself with as much information and knowledge as possible.

Asking for prayer that God will guide my path, each and every step just as He has already done so far. I pray for healing and wisdom regarding the need for chemotherapy. I know what the medical doctors say, but what I'm interested in is what the Lord says concerning me, this cancer and my healing.

Isaiah 53:5 "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
Jeremiah 32:27  "Is there anything too hard for me?"

Ahhhhhhhhh, the Word of God, so refreshing! I feel like I've just had a pepsi, but even better! LOL
Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.