(written Dec. 15, 2011)
Today was a huge day for me and my family. Today I completed the toughest parts of this cancer treatment....radiation and chemotherapy. Those words are now a thing of the past. Now for healing....I await anxiously. Radiation scared me, chemotherapy scared me, cancer scared me....but I am reminding that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
Radiation is a very different journey then chemo, both journey's are difficult and come with emotional and physical baggage. Radiation is daily (except weekends)...I had 33 treatments...it took me 7 weeks. It's really a journey you go on alone...this one was just me and the Lord. The machine is kinda intimidating, you just don't know what to expect and honestly I didn't want too much advice, it tends to put things in my mind that I don't want or need there. People who have been through it tend to want to "rehash" their war stories with you, ...which needs to fall on ears that aren't about to go through it too! I found the less I know the better I am.
My doctor told me this would probably be a breeze compared to chemotherapy....now that it's over, I would disagree. Both were trying in their own ways. The effects of radiation hurt. The burn I got really hurt, but even more then that was the fatigue. For me....I hated that part the most. With 2 little ones, a hubby, a business, a messy home....I felt overwhelmed by the fatigue and inability to preform everyday responsibilities. I had to manage my energy like I've never done before. I only had a couple hours of effective energy each day....yet endless hours of work to be done....how do I choose? What is most critical? The frustration was enormous. Thank God He already knew all this would happen and gave me the gift of a mother who lives so close and is so willing to help! Lots of things got put aside during this time but it was manageable only because my mom was by my side every step of the way. Helping with the kids....(which is a 24/7 job all by itself)...grocery shopping, endless errands, moral support. She is such a blessing to everyone around her, especially her kids and grand kids. Thank you for everything mom.
Jan. 15, 2012 What a lesson I learned and am still learning about what is important. Many times friends or neighbors would stop by when things were in shambles....I had to learn to say "oh well" and give it NO more thought. Nobody could understand except those who've been there too and God. If I was going to be judged so be it. I can't control that, I must keep my energy in tact for the things I CAN control. Sometimes I felt myself slip and begin to throw a pity party....then I'd just give it to God. Not easy, but totally necessary. One thing I know about myself is I am a champion at beating up on myself and I'm totally sick of it, nothing good has ever come out of doing that! And most of the time it's just lies the enemy is trying to bombard me with. I have to stand on the word of God, that is my compass, that is what is really true about me and who I am in Christ. That's an easy thing for Christians to say...doing it....well for me anyway is taking me going through this process. Genuinely letting go of what "others" think....genuinely.
This has been a very lonely time, I have definitely been in the desert...wandering around, wondering when I would find water.....what I'm beginning to realize is there is always water, it's just whether or not we choose to see it. I've allowed myself to be blind to it. Unless things were going just my way I'd be miserable...cancer has taught me what it is to be in plenty even when things look and feel miserable. I can see the"water" if I choose to do so. Slowly I am choosing it, but it's a daily choice, hourly in fact especially in the beginning.
After radiation I didn't immediately "feel better"...what??? I thought I'd feel better, I thought I feel a sense of relief! It didn't happen the way I thought. I felt really bad actually. So tired. Exhausted in fact. Depressed, anxious...what is going on here????? "click", light bulb moment.....cancer doesn't just end one day, there will be to come and are many consequences of this disease....starting with the effects of the treatment for cancer. Never occurred to me! I was so busy thinking of getting through the treatment and never once put thought to "recovery" and what that would be like! My body has to recover from this and that isn't going to happen overnight....totally revelation as odd as it may seem, it really was. My body was hurt, physically and emotionally....I expected to wake up one day and this would be over. I've learned it doesn't work like that. There's still a long road to go. In my own strength I certainly would have given up by now, but THANKS be to God's amazing grace....in His strength I find myself having hope, claiming a future for myself and my family. Seeing His work through this and standing on it is such a beautiful thing to behold.
Psalm 112:4 Light arises in the darkness for the upright (Christ children's); He is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous.
