Cancer....I weep. I can't help it....round 4 hit me hard. I went into chemotherapy with an "let's get this over with quick kind of attitude"..like pulling off a band-aid (maybe it won't hurt too much if I do it quick, distract myself and don't think too much about it) I was able to do that for awhile, but God in His sovereignty knows best. He may not be able to accomplish in me what He has planned if I don't experience some hurt. How would I ever empathize with others or be able to do whatever God has planned for me if this was an easy road....What the enemy means for bad, God always turns into good and unfortunately pain is catalyst for change. Romans 5:3 "..we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." What if everything was always easy? God cares about our character, who we are becoming...His goal is to make us look more like Christ each day, how can He do that if everything is great all of the time?
I hurt right now...I've felt like I've been hit with a truck. My body said "done" today. My mind is ready to go, but my body is experiencing the effects of all the medicines, the emotions, the shock. Sometimes I still can't believe I am dealing with cancer...seriously, the diagnosis of cancer takes a long time to "set in." The emotional part of cancer is equally draining to the treatment part.
You know, I haven't slowed down since I've found out....I've been so gung-ho! I can do this, I can do this, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....and I have...but God is showing me that strength sometimes doesn't mean running around like crazy when you need to rest. I hate resting there is too much to do, but I'm learning it's important. I'm learning I really am totally weak and vulnerable without Christ. I'm so unbelievable dependent on Him. My body is really flesh indeed. I took a break from life today and was shown a lot by the Lord. I took a break from my baby, from my kindergartener, from bottles & pacifiers, from financial concerns, from the jewelry business, from cleaning, from organizing....from trying to "have it all together"....really I had no choice, my body wouldn't let me do those things....and here it is. I'm human, I'm weak, I'm not going to do it all right all the time, not everybody is going to like me and I have to be ok with that, I have to let go. I think that's what God is telling me. I am constantly plagued by guilt feelings of ..."I didn't send a thank-you note, I didn't call this person or that person back, I forgot to say,...."happy birthday, or oh no I forgot their birthday all together!"....and stop and say I'm doing the best I can and as long as I'm pleasing God, that is what matters. But to say that and to it I'm finding are totally different. God is showing me right now in my weakness, I have to do it....my family can't afford for me to be worrying about anything but getting better. That's what I learned today.
So let me say right now, I am thankful if you have done something for me or my family we are so grateful but you may not get a thank-you card in the mail, :) I've been so afraid of "what others will think!", "how rude I am, or ungrateful or something", but truth is, I am only one person and I've put wayyyyy to much pressure on myself to do it right all the time, especially right now.
I have such an increased compassion for those who are ill, have cancer or any disease where they are suffering, mentally and physically. I really believe until you go through it - you cannot fully understand. It's like having children, you don't really understand until you are a parent yourself. No amount of money, fame, fortune means anything if you don't have your health....I never gave it too much of a thought before now. Now, I'm just sooooo happy my prognosis is so good, I can look at my situation and see an end in sight...so many others don't even have that. I pray for those who are suffering too, especially those with a worse diagnosis or longer treatment time or whatever the case.
You'd think after this I might become a poster girl for breast cancer after this is all over....raising awareness...money, etc...and maybe God will call me to that, but I want to be a poster girl for mental illness too. It's true...when I went through postpartum depression and anxiety after having Brooke, the suffering was well...different from this (cancer) but maybe even worse....I couldn't function, I couldn't leave the house, I felt totally trapped. It was terrible. I didn't have a "time-line" as to when it would be over...there was no doctor telling me 4 rounds of chemo, 6 weeks of radiation, 1 year of herceptin and it will be over...no, no, there was a darkness there that only people who've experienced mental anguish will understand. There are no marathons for depression, anxiety, bi-polar....not a lot of attention, but the suffering is very real. I've gotten so much attention for having "cancer"...but nobody really even knew what I was going through after Brooke was born, except those very close to me....I needed help during that time and not a lot of people could relate....unfortunately a lot of people have related to me having cancer...don't get me wrong cancer stinks too...but there are people out there truly suffering with mental disorders and not a lot of compassion or understanding from the public like I think there should be. Some people still think you should just snap out of it or get some "fresh" air.
I wrote this blog a few days after round 4 of chemo....about 3 weeks ago now and never finished it or posted it until now...I'm doing better and finally recovering from the effects of that last round of chemo. I'm so incredibly happy I'm not facing another round of chemotherapy this upcoming Tuesday (as would have been the case if the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes)...again so much compassion for others who are or who have endured far worse then me. Went to my 1st radiation oncologist appointment this week...the doctor wants to start right away....ahhhhhh, I was really hoping for a longer break between chemo and radiation. I hate the thought of radiation just as I did chemotherapy, nothing about this is fun. I feel like the more the enemy comes against me, the more destined I must be to do great things for God!!! That is exciting for me to think about. I'm just going to keep clinging to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I'm going to be better then I was before....Jeramiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
