Sunday, June 19, 2011

Where's the anesthesiologist???

Day 17:  After getting out of the shower, I notice I was bleeding from the edge of my incision, no big deal I thought and slapped a band-aid on it. I did think it was a little weird how I was still in a lot of pain from a surgery that took place almost 2 weeks ago, but I just thought well I've had 2 surgery's in 6 days, so I'm sure that's why it's taking so long to recover. That night I noticed blood on my shirt and I thought how is that possible I have a band-aid on! I took the band-aid off and it was completely soaked and I was still bleeding! Hmmmmm...that doesn't seem right, but it was late and everybody was already in bed at this time so I stuffed some gauze in my sports bra and went to bed.

Day 18: I woke up and quickly checked my gauze, am I still bleeding? Surely not.....oh YES, soaked through the gauze. Wonderful...now I know something's wrong and it's Saturday, I really don't want to go spend the day at the Emergency Room. I put a call into the "on-call" doctor. A medical student (Jamie) calls me back and says to put a little pressure on it (like I didn't think of that) and she'll try and get in touch with a doctor (mine is out of the country). After an hour and half she calls me back and says my doctor's brother (whose also in the practice) wants to see me. The office is closed, but to come up and he'll unlock the office and take a look, that way I don't have to go to the emergency room. I was very grateful for this! O.K....back up to Tampa. (a good hour's drive from where we live)

We met the doctor outside, he's in his gym pants and running shorts. Jamie (the medical student) arrives as well. They immediately take us back into a room to "take a look". As this point I have another spot that has started bleeding. I'm thinking a couple stitches and we'll be done. Wrong. "We're going have to open you up." "WHAT??...what about an anesthesiologist?" "We'll will numb it with a local"..."Excuse me?...can't you give me something, gas, anything, something to relax me?" "No, sorry, but it's going to be o.k".... "For WHO is it going to be OK?" I start to tense and look worried, I know because Brett immediately comes over to hold my hand. They start to open all kinds of tools and put them on the surgical plate, I'm shaking. Jamie comes over and I say "You're doing this?", "Yup"....I'm thinking....geese I kinda really want the doctor to do it, but I guess it's ok at least he's here overseeing everything.

Let me just say...there's a reason they put you to sleep for this kind of thing! She opens me up and apparently there's a lot of blood, "suction", AHHHHH! The suction was the worse, I'm numb but I still feel heavy pressure, pulling, oh no pain!!!! I scream "I CAN FEEL THAT!!!"  "Sorry, we'll give you some more numbing medicine." "OH, whatever, this is terrible, is it over yet?????" "Are you done yet?" Finally, what seemed like forever, she's done. My palms are totally sweating and I'm shaking like a leaf. Brett is enthralled...watching the whole thing. I said "Brett stop watching!", he says "it's so gross, but it's like a car wreck, I just can't stop watching!"...."are you kidding me, honey!"

She says, "you know while we are in here we could clear those margins so you don't have to do this again..." I think about it, I know I'm laying there open and it does seem silly not to do it while they are there. "How long would it take?"..."about 5 minutes". "Are you sure you know where to cut and everything?"...yeah, we'll pull it up on the computer.  I mumble "ok"...but am constantly having doubts. At least I don't feel anything right now, the pulling and pressure is stopped.  Doctor scrubs in...they began, I'm ok for about a minute, then all the sudden, I feel the blade as clear as day, I scream (it's automatic, I can't even help it!) "I FEEL THAT!!!!!!", "sorry, we'll give you some more numbing....."oh, ok, great, that's great!!!!" (please note my sarcasm there!).  Brett finally tunes into the fact I need some distraction and not his constant, "Wow, that's so gross"...type comments and begins showing me pictures on his phone of our kids. That actually did help and distract me some.

I begin to think of Jesus. I feel some pain and am screaming for more numbing medicine. I think to myself about the imaginable, indescribable pain Jesus felt even before He was nailed to a cross!!! He didn't have a "relaxant" or ANY kind of pain medicine, as a matter of fact they offered him some vinegar as he hung on the cross, (in those days it was used to help ease pain) and he refused it. He came to endure the full suffering of our sin, my sin. The lashes with a whip that had particles of sharp metal attached and ripped the flesh apart as it was pulled out (caused death in many who endured just this alone), the crown of thorns, the ridicule, humiliation. I think to myself, I can do this. I repeat the name of Jesus in my head over and over. Job 3:10 "Let the weak say I am strong."

Finally they are done and the medical student Jaime is stitching me up. The doctor is leaning up against the cabinets and Brett says to him, "So...how do you like your phone system?" (Some of you may not know Brett just started a new job selling phone systems.) I smile and think to myself..."I love this man!" They began a conversation. I look over a the medical student who was stitching me up. With tears in my eyes I say to her quietly, "I really don't want to go through chemo." She looks up at me and says "I know...I don't blame you." I begin to ask her advice. It's kinda of a personal moment, I know she can tell I'm asking her as a friend who happens to know a lot about this kind of stuff. Brett and the doctor are in there own world talking technology and phones and it feels like me and this beautiful medical student are all alone. I can tell she wants to make it better for me. Bless her heart. We had a really nice conversation, I'm glad I had that time with her.


This whole experience was soooo surreal. Did I really just do that? AWAKE? Lord, you sure think I'm stronger then I think I am. Sure enough, I did pretty darn good. I didn't cry, which is totally amazing for me and I only screamed twice! :) I know I jumped a lot, but I tried hard to hold still.  I give myself an A! Brett asks me if I want some ice-cream? I laugh...not really....I just want to go home. Recovery starts all over, day one. I'll see an oncologist once all my tests are back and he/she can look at everything to determine what's next for me. In the meantime, I'm researching, calling and emailing as many as I can to arm myself with as much information and knowledge as possible.

Asking for prayer that God will guide my path, each and every step just as He has already done so far. I pray for healing and wisdom regarding the need for chemotherapy. I know what the medical doctors say, but what I'm interested in is what the Lord says concerning me, this cancer and my healing.

Isaiah 53:5 "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
Jeremiah 32:27  "Is there anything too hard for me?"

Ahhhhhhhhh, the Word of God, so refreshing! I feel like I've just had a pepsi, but even better! LOL
Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I will trust and not be afraid...

Day 14: Had follow up appointment with surgeon today. Waited 2 1/2 hours a little room with Brett, Brooke and my parents for him to come in...that was a long wait. Luckily Brady was able to go to a friend's house. It was a long conversation so I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. Most of you may not know I found this lump last year and had surgery scheduled to have it removed. Two weeks before surgery I found out I was pregnant, so obviously we cancelled the surgery. But doctors weren't concerned about it because I've had 2 benign fiber adnomas in the past and this presented as the same thing, so they said they'd follow up with me after I had my baby.

They did follow up with me only weeks after Brooke was born, however I was going through depression/anxiety from having Brooke and didn't feel I wanted to do anything about it yet, my plate was full, plus I told her I was breastfeeding...and after all nobody (including me) was all that concerned about it. About a month later they called again (by mistake), the lady on the phone didn't get the message I was breastfeeding and to call back in a year and as it turned out I wasn't breastfeeding anymore....so I couldn't use that excuse when she asked me. She urged me to at least have another ultrasound and see if it had changed any during my pregnancy. Well since my deductible was met from having Brooke I thought now would be the best time to do it financially....so I agreed.

The ultrasound came back....surgeon says, "well, it hasn't grown any and that's a great sign!, I still think it's a benign fiber adnoma, but I suggest doing a needle biopsy or just removing it to be sure." Yeah, yeah, yeah they have to say that to "cover themselves" and be extra cautious. I debated about whether or not to do it, but again my deductible had been met and I might as well get rid of it now and not have to think about it anymore. Plus my therapist (who'd I'd been seeing for my anxiety) when I asked her advice about getting it removed, told me about her sister who died of breast cancer having got a fourth lump after having 3 removed (all benign) and didn't do anything about the 4th one, thinking "here we go again"...it's another begin cyst, but this time it wasn't and she waited to long. I thought that could be a sign from God to do it as well. As we all know now it WAS!

God also showed me a few days ago that if I had not become pregnant the very month I did, I would have had the surgery and found the cancer and immediately proceeded with their recommended treatment and likely would have been unable to have anymore children! CAN WE SAY MIRACLE BABY!!!! Oh just wait...it gets better...remember how I say the doctor said it hadn't grown? Well according to both my surgeons they had NO explanation as to why my cancer did not grow during my pregnancy! The type I have is aggressive in nature w/o being pregnant, but pregnancy typically accelerates the grow of cancer as well! JESUS!!! I asked how this can be numerous times and my surgeon said, well "it's amazing, somebody upstairs is watching out for you". Little did he know my faith!

So back to yesterday, I kept feeling like I need assurance that this was really cancer, could there be a mistake? No, no mistake...the extra tissue they took to try and get my margins clear also showed cancer. Darn, that stinks. They want there to be 1.0cm "margin's" cancer free, I have one area that is still only .5cm...so they need to go back in and take some more tissue from that area to make it 1.0cm, but before we do that I need a couple more test results and make some decisions.

I had some blood taken a little over a week ago now that's being analyzed for my genetic predisposition to breast cancer. If that comes back positive then I'm for sure looking at a double mastectomy. They are also re-analyzing my original tumor to be sure that it is "Invasive carcinoma, Her2nu Positive" cancer, 2 tests have already confirmed this, but this 3rd one is really thorough, they want to be sure and I want them to be sure as well! This also looks at whether I'm high risk for re-occurrence. If it shows I'm at low risk then something is wrong...then everything needs to be retested because as I understand it, I can't be Her2nu positive and be at low risk....or something. So now what? I'll get those 2 tests back in about a week and I'll decide whether I do another lumpectomy with radiation or double mastectomy. Either way I won't do those surgeries until after chemotherapy...

Chemotherapy is apparently necessary because of the positive hormonal status (Her2nu) of my cancer. There is a risk if I don't do chemo (I don't know how great yet, need to talk to an oncologist) that it could come back someday in my liver, lungs, bone or blood. I need to find an Oncologist close to me...my surgeon is in Tampa, so he doesn't know of one close...I really need some recommendations. Apparently the course of chemo is a 12 month process, 6 months of one type and then 6 months of another....I guess during the second part my hair will start to grow back as the drug they use is different. Then surgery and reconstruction.... all in all I'm looking at about 2 years before all is said and done.

My doctor said to prepare myself emotionally (you think?). He told me studies show the emotional journey of having breast cancer is equivalent to losing a child or spouse, it changes you. I think hearing that hit us all very hard. But I have GOD, I am a believer in Jesus Christ and with Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! And that changes everything for those in Christ. I don't have to agree with the "doomsday" emotional diagnosis that was given to me, I have authority in Christ Jesus to be more then an over-comer! With God I cannot only have healing but Joy in the process! Can I get an AMEN? :)

We cannot express all our gratitude for all the prayers, phone calls, cards and emails we've received. God moves on each prayer uttered and heaven and earth change because of our prayers, so thank you! I'm so glad I didn't wait for crisis to hit before I came to know the Lord Jesus Christ personally, He is my salvation and refuge, He is my Strong Tower, my ever present help in times of need.

Stay tuned for upcoming test results, oncologist appointments and more miraculous works of our Mighty God.... "Surely God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid." Isaiah 12:2

Saturday, June 11, 2011

But...Thy will and Not my will be done

Never done a blog before...how much do you share?  I asked my sister that exact questions yesterday as I began to just sob, is it ok for people to know I'm scared or feel weak? Well, that just wouldn't be realistic and totally out of character for me. As I walk this journey with God and my family I want to be totally authentic and transparent good or bad....I don't know any other way to be.

Yesterday I just couldn't stop crying...it just flowed and flowed. I guess that's part of breast cancer, the emotional roller coaster, especially at first. I prayed God would take this cup from me, but not my will but His will be done...I don't know how Jesus prayed that in the garden that evening He was about to be betrayed, especially knowing what He was about to suffer. It was hard for me to pray that and I'm not about to take on the sin of the world and then die a brutal, cruel death on a cross! But, if I can bring any glory to His name or bring any person to Christ as a result of this breast cancer then that is what I plan to do with His strength. I'd really like to do that in a different way, but again "Thy will not my will."

A second test confirmed the positive Her2nu status of my cancer. That is the hormone receptor of the cancer cells...that is why the doctors are saying "chemo" even if I have a mastectomy. That has been the hardest cup for me to swallow, I really don't WANT TO! I feel like a little kid when their mommy tells them they have to do something they don't want to do. I really just don't want to!!! No Lord, please... but "Thy will and not mine be done" I say it over and over. I trust Jesus with my life and healing completely. I may not understand His decisions for me this side of heaven but someday I will understand and I will say "I'm glad you chose that path for me Lord, you were right." His words tell us in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

The doctor's have told me repeatedly they treat young women very aggressively, I have been wavering about being treated so "aggressively". Then I think of my babies Brady and Brooke and I'm not sure I have a choice, I have to make decisions based on them having their mommy around for many years to come...this would be an easier decision if I didn't have to look into their precious faces each and everyday, but I do and they are worth it. I suppose that's exactly what Christ thought as He hung on the cross, "they are worth it" (even those who pierced Him).

Psalms 112:7
I will not fear evil tidings. My heart is steady, trusting in You.

P.S. I have my follow up from lumpectomy on Tuesday...I'll find out more then. Praying they got all the cancer and my "margins" are clear.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

7 Days and 3 Miracles

Day One, Wednesday:  I had surgery Tuesday to remove what doctor's believed to be a benign fiber adoma from my left breast. Even after surgery my doctor said it looked liked what they suspected fiber adoma, but of course they always send it off to pathology, but he "wasn't worried about it".  The next day I got the phone call that nobody ever wants to get..."I don't have good news for you.", "what do you mean?", "I don't understand."..."you need to come into our office tomorrow to discuss your options with the doctor.", "wait....what? what options?" Total shock. Tears, my parents were standing right next to me when the phone call came, hugs and tears as Brett walks in the door and can tell something "big" just happened. The journey begins...

Since the birth of my baby girl "Brooke" 12 weeks ago, I have been suffering with severe post-pardom depression and anxiety. I've even been sleeping on an air-mattress in a separate room in order to be able sleep.You'd think after getting this diagnosis, it'd be one more really restless night...after all I'm already having restless nights! "NO, NO way Satan...I'm not sleeping one more night in a separate bed from my husband and baby, life is too short and I will not be chased from my bed anymore!" I moved myself back into our bedroom that night and said "God, I am sleeping in this bed with my husband and my baby and I'm trusting you for sleep".... and I slept....great!!!  Miracle #1, Praise Jesus!!!!! For He is faithful!!!!

Day Two, Thursday:  My dad and husband went with me to my appointment. The doctor walks in the room very somber and says "I'm shocked", "I'm just shocked". Yaaaaah, us too! Medical terms are flying and my mind is trying to keep up. I need to decide between lumpectomy with radiation or mastectomy. Ok, then he starts talking about "her 2 nu" positive. What's that? "Well it what we used to pray would always be negative", it the hormonal status of the cancer, good news is it is now treatable, bad news is it requires chemotherapy. "WHAT?" are you sure?  Tears...trying to listen and hold it together. We set up an MRI for Monday and surgery for lumpectomy/possible mastectomy for Friday and mapping/possible removal of my lymph nodes. I go home and began to pray and make phone calls...is this what I should be doing? Is this the doctor I should go with? Question after question fills my mind. I talk with my Bible Study Teaching Leader and she gives me the phone number of 2 ladies from her neighborhood who just went through this and loved their surgeon.

Day Three, Friday: First thing in the morning, I call one of the ladies to ask about the surgeon she went to. She raves about this surgeon Dr. Cox, one of the few in the country that can perform a skin saving/nipple saving mastectomy and he is a Christian! Wow, awesome! Bad news is he is very hard to get into, but worth the wait...well I'm not sure how long I can wait, but we'll call and see what God does.I call the number and Trudy his secretary answers, I'm immediately filled with tears and explain my new diagnosis. She says to me (without knowing my faith), God has you in his hands, let me see what I can do. Puts me on hold....comes back and says "how soon can you get here?". JESUS!!!!! Miracle #2. Saw Doctor, Got MRI and was scheduled for surgery on Monday by the time I left that night!

P.S. Still sleeping great, even getting up with my baby in the night and able to fall back asleep (something that was not possible for me up until now!)

Day 6, Monday:  Had to go for some extra pictures before surgery....decided to do lumpectomy with lymph node "mapping" and have cells rechecked to make sure chemo will be absolutely necessary. If so, then I have made the decision to have a mastectomy with reconstructive surgery.  If have to go through chemotherapy I never want the risk of having to do it again 5, 10, 20 years down the road. As I'm waking up from the anesthesia I hear the doctor say "your lymph nodes were negative!" Miracle #3, GOD IS SOOO GOOD, His mercy endures forever!

"For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11